Some may say I'm a freak, but I am a normal teenage girl just without a normal past. I decided to write my feelings in a blog in order to get out my true feelings. I'm tired of putting on a facade that I am okay. A fake smile hurts more than tears. Words cannot describe my feelings, but I'm going to have to learn to convey my thoughts into words so others can understand.
So I'm 15...I'm Going to be a sophomore in highschool. I'm currently grounded because I told My step dad off and because I didn’t do my chores. I went outside for the first time in three days today. I just have been hibernating inside the house because the outside world doesn't seem appealing anymore. I've realized that depression, drug addiction, and Anxiety doesn't care how old you are or pick a stereotype. It grabs anyone it can devour. I have also discovered that I am missing something. I feel empty. I have tried filling that void with drugs, and cutting. Anyone reading this is probably thinking I bet this girl has tons of piercings, looks gothic, and is very pessimistic. In reality I'm a Cheerleader, I sing all the time, and I play tons of instruments. Everyone only sees my brace covered smile. I'm a pretty damn good actress. I have people tell me that I am the happiest person they have ever met. When truly I am aching inside. I need something and I think I know what it could be. I think I need parents. Good parents. I have always wished for truly good parents, but I'm still stuck with parents who only pretend to try and that is only in front of people they want to impress.
Lately since I have been grounded I have been cutting a lot. I hide it by cutting on my legs. I'm ashamed to let anyone know. People who haven't ever cut don't understand the feeling it gives you. Cutting relieves you from emotional pain because your body is so caught up with the physical pain. You get a high from it and it's very addicting. I have been doing it everyday since I have been grounded. I have 23 cuts on my leg right now and the sting won't go away. I cut and get high to escape from reality. I want to become numb to emotional and mental pain, And it pisses me off when my ‘friends’ and family say they understand and preach at me because how can they understand if I don't quite understand myself.
Now you are probably thinking "what in the hell could be so bad in this chicks life, this girl sounds insane?" I think I started feeling this void at a young age. Accept I started trying to fill this void by trying to be perfect in order to get my parents approval. I never got it and I don't think I ever will. It's the cold truth. My mom went to prison when I was three and my grandmother sent me to foster care because she didn’t want me. She stole my childhood with her craziness. The first time I went to the park was when I was 5 and that’s only because my older brother finally found out how to pick locks. My dad on the other hand never cared about me unless there was money involved. My parents do however have something in common. They are both crazy. My dad is diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and likes to blame him being crazy on it. Laying a hand on his new wife… "It's because I'm bipolar." He actually is considered disabled because of his inability to have social interaction with people because he is so crazy. So he doesn't work. But that is all I know about my biological dad. But my step dad? I’ve known him for 9 years almost 10. He has these moments where he can be the nicest and funniest person ever, then he plays this act of ‘I’m a badass tough man and I am king so don’t disobey me peasant’ and it gets old. Fast. He is in college, I don’t remember what he is going for but he is a disabled veteran and so he is getting paid to attend school. All he does is drink and study, I wonder if drinking helps him remember of something, because all it does in our point of view is makes him mean.
Enough about the past for today. I am in the present. Today I have been struggling with being happy. I slept until noon because I didn't feel like getting up and facing life. I'm tired of living, and not really even scared of dying. Everyday seems to drag on. Today though my brother and his girlfriend came over and I enjoy their company a lot. His wife is like the sister I’ve never had. Her and my brother are so happy, I used to stay with them a lot, but then they moved to Kansas. But I had a good time despite my mom and step dad. I'm just worn down from the day and I've only been up six hours. I don't know what my life is coming to anymore.
"A pill to make you numb, a pill to you make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else, but all the drugs in this world won’t save me from myself."
